Stand Up for Yourself

Have you ever thought to yourself. . .

 

“I need to learn to be more vocal, to stop people from walking all over me.”

 

“Conflict is so stressful! I’d rather keep the peace.”

 

“I’m a nice person. I sometimes go out of my way to please others because I want to be liked.”

 

If you relate to one or more of these statements, you’re not alone. We all face situations where we should, want to, and even need to stand up for ourselves. The stakes can be high or low, and it’s up to us to “pick our battles” mindfully. While remaining quiet about something inconsequential might save energy and time, as a default behavior it chips away at confidence and peace of mind. Simply put, it’s not good for us.

 

Challenges can include a friend or family member who routinely dominates conversations, leaving you feeling unheard or even used. Poor service is another, be it a housekeeper, hairdresser, handyman, or while dining out. Another is an unjust act, like someone swooping into the parking spot you’ve been waiting for, blinker signaling.

 

While some people have the gift of speaking their piece in such situations, many of us shrink, freeze, or shut down. We’re wired to not rock the boat, cause hurt feelings, or risk being disliked. If this is you, this simple reminder can help create healthy change: standing up for ourselves in not being mean, it’s not exerting control to one-up or feel like a boss, and it needn’t incite drama.

 

Addressing an uncomfortable situation calmly and kindly can lead to a fair and reasonable outcome and help create better outcomes in the future.

 

The Root of it

 

Our relationship with others begins with our relationship with ourselves. Feelings are simply human. They can offer a panoramic view of a situation and guide our next step. Intellect works in tandem with feelings to illuminate possible consequences. Is choosing silence better than confronting? Is agreeing (when you actually don’t) to keep peace a healthy solution?

 

Boundaries are the lines we draw for protection — of our position, belief, or personal space. While it would be great if others knew not to cross our boundaries without consent, it’s not always the case. Interestingly, often when they do, they are doing so (consciously or not) to protect boundaries or beliefs of their own.

 

There is a good deal going on behind self-assertive behavior. One’s values, needs, wants, and rights can be on a collision course with others’ values, needs, wants, and rights.

 

Automatically treating others’ needs as more important than your own, your boundaries will inevitably be violated. People treat you the way you have taught them. Once they’ve learned what you’ll allow, changing that is challenging. So, what can you do? You can change YOU.

 

Forget about learning to love yourself. Consider what you like about yourself. Try not saying yes to things when you should or want to say no. Practicing with small tasks or decisions can build the confidence and strength to stand up when the stakes are higher.

 

Learning how to acknowledge feelings becomes easier with practice. When a situation brings discomfort, try pausing and asking yourself: HOW DO I FEEL? This can help guide your next steps.

 

Irreconcilable conflicts are often rare, so consider what might create a temporary solution. Can a specific problem be adjusted by explanation or delegation? Can the other person adjust their stance or behave differently given an understanding of your boundary?

 

Conflict is often best resolved by finding middle ground via compromise. Two or more folks may walk away not as winners or losers, but as individuals who agreed to a solution that seemed fair.

 

Johanna Skouras is a psychotherapist and author of the book Standing Up for Yourself/The Art of Self Assertion.

 

Tips

Confrontation: You’re at the hairdresser, and the cut is not quite right.

Try: “I love it, but could you add a little texture/trim little/round the lines here?” This acknowledges the hairdresser’s skill and expresses your appreciation while asking to get a little closer to what you hoped for.

 

Cheapskate: At lunch with the girls, there’s one who always skimps on her share.

Try:  Having another take charge of the tab, divide the charges, and let everyone know their part.

 

User: A friend or family member who only calls when they need. . . an “audience,” to borrow something (money, items) they’re unlikely to return.

Try:  Keep calls short or say, “I’d really like a moment to share,” or simply don’t take their call when you’re feeling vulnerable.

 

Bully/Attention Seeker: You know who they are.

Try:  A bully needs attention to run their number. Focus elsewhere, or state your boundary. With attention seekers, a quick, positive acknowledgement — of their outfit or tale of victory can allow you to move on.

 

Dependents:

Those perennially focused on their needs and not yours are exhausting. This can be a partner, son or daughter, or friend. Acknowledging their challenge followed by saying, “You’ll figure it out” can be a great gift — to both of you.

 

Johanna Skouras

50plus Magazine