I Don’t Want to Burden My Family

Carmelene Melanie Siani

50plusMagazine

My friend’s husband could barely walk on his own from the car into their house.

“He wants to do it himself,” she told me. “He doesn’t want to be a burden on his family.”

He was frail and looked like he might fall at any second, a concern to everyone around him. Nevertheless, he wouldn’t accept a hand, refused a cane and wouldn’t hear of using a walker.

He already is a burden, I thought. And it wasn’t his lack of strength causing it; it was his refusal to admit to the reality of his condition.

By insisting he could manage on his own, that he could get along without help, he was de facto burdening his family.

Ah well, it was his way of dealing with his mortality. Who’s to blame him?

I hope however that the ominous words, “I don’t want to be a burden on my family” never pass my lips.

Let me say that another way. I hope that when I need help, I’m able to recognize it and happily receive it. Denying what my family wants to give

me or what they need to express creates the burden.

I know down deep, those who care about me want to — no, need to — continue making a difference in my life and caring for me to the very end.

What I hope for myself is that by the time I need care and attention I have become self-confident enough to acknowledge that I need it and love myself enough to graciously receive it.

I watched as my friend stood back while her husband struggled to walk and their son stood by, pretending not to notice how frail his father had become. I watched as all three looked distanced from each other under the pretense of no one wanting to burden anyone else.

I consider it my duty as a mother to guide my children by example through the final stages of life — after which they will forever be on their own. To do that I want to have open and honest conversations with them about what I feel — and what they feel — and what I can and cannot do without their help.

Recently, when the person who cleaned my house moved out of state, one of my daughters offered to help me with housekeeping on a regular basis.

“You mean until I find somebody else?” I asked.

“No, mom,” She said. “I mean I’ll do it until forever.”

Within her simple words I heard so much. I heard her saying, “I know this is a problem for you. I can and want to do it.” I heard, “You’re my mom. You took care of me. I want to take care of you.” I heard her saying three simple words. “I love you.”

I can’t even imagine throwing all that back in her face with “I don’t want to be a burden.” I also can’t imagine blocking that much good energy flowing my way.

It is my hope that I can live the final decades of my life without thinking of myself as being a burden to my family no matter my stage of health or non-health and no matter what kind or amount of help they offer.

Thinking of myself as not wanting to be a burden on them prevents me from having the open and honest conversations I need to have with them. Conversations that don’t even allow for the word “burden,” but that make room for all the loving solutions and giving and receiving we’re all comfortable with.

Carmelene Melanie Siani’s widely published stories on family, caregiving, grief, late-life love and more aim to help others see how life constantly opens to reveal lessons. Visit www.facebook.com/StoryBelly