Hugs

Jean Moule

 

I LOST MY SPOUSE while both of my parents were still alive. Missing my husband’s hugs, I visited my parents frequently.

 

A few months after losing my husband, my 93-year-old mother died unexpectedly. When I first learned she lay dying thousands of miles away, my 3-year-old grandnephew was playing next to me. As I began to sob, he touched my knee and said, “It’ll be all right.” His touch was brief, but wow, did I need it. When mom passed, I received many hugs from those who loved and wanted to comfort me.

 

As a widow, I’d already found solace in connecting with other widows and widowers. Hugs and simple touches helped me most of all.  I even found comfort in giving myself a hug or touching something soft — as a child would in holding or caressing a teddy bear or blanket.

 

I decided to delve into the importance of touching and hugs, understanding the importance of human touch to health and wellbeing. Here’s what my research revealed.

 

What happens when one is touched or hugged?

Oxytocin is a natural chemical triggered by positive touch. Oxytocin works with the neurotransmitter serotonin to reduce the inhibitory effect of some neurons in the brain. This produces a faster, stronger, smoother flow of information, which in turn increases focus. The effects are soothing, calming, and stress relieving. In fact, evidence shows that people who receive a hug before public speaking or a physical activity do better.

 

Does length matter?

Most people hug for about three seconds. Longer hugs allow more chemicals to be released into the brain and bloodstream. I like about 10 seconds so

I can relax into it a bit. Some people advocate for 20-second hugs. Before hugging someone you don’t know well, it’s best to ask permission, as it’s important both huggee and hugger be comfortable with an embrace, whatever the length.

 

Do hugs relieve pain?

Amazingly, hugs and touch have been shown to reduce physical and emotional pain. During the pandemic, having recovered from an early case of Covid, I realized I had early immunity so was the only safe hugger/huggee for certain isolated friends. A natural hugger anyway, I happily hugged any friends who were open to it. One said, “I haven’t had a hug since you hugged me six months ago.”

 

Can animals help?

I have spoken with many people who have lost a partner. Some speak of the value of having a pet to touch and offer warmth and comfort in bed. While I’m not currently suited to full-time responsibility for an animal, I enjoy the moments I have with the loving, cuddly pets of others. I also foster kittens for months each summer, preparing them to comfort and provide touch for others. I give them loving care and they “pay it forward,” to me and others, through their purrs and soft fur.

 

People and pets help us through difficult times. Often the most powerful help can be found in simple touch.

 

“Sometimes in our lives

we all have pain. We all have sorrow.

But if we are wise

we know that there’s always tomorrow.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong

and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.

For it won’t be long

‘til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.”

— Bill Withers

 

 

Jean Moule is author of Seeking Warmth and Light available through Amazon.