Holistic compassion a community effort

by Diane Dennis

Everyone is going through something. Suffering in our culture is mostly kept buttoned up behind pleasant smiles and simple greetings. Most of us were trained from childhood to “put on a happy face.” That appeasing demeanor garnered reinforcement until, over time, it became our mask. But out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind.

And just as you may not see the underpinnings of grief in the basement of your neighbor’s happy greeting, those who work in healthcare, aging and illness can easily miss the grief surrounding family and friends. To look at the whole instead of one part — or symptom — is to be holistic and aware of the connectedness of all involved.

Visiting Mary* recently, for whom hospice had been recommended, I noticed her daughter’s face was deeply strained. This was our first meeting, and she seemed overwhelmed. Her behavior did not betray anything but concern for her mother. Toward the end of the visit, I sat down, looked into this daughter’s eyes, and asked, “How are you doing?”

This opened the floodgates for another grief. It turned out her own daughter was missing. We talked, she cried, and I left her with a referral for counseling through hospice. She thought, as most do, that hospice services were for her mother only. I explained that hospice is a holistic service that supports the whole family.

Oftentimes simply asking in a focused way how someone is doing opens the way to emotional intimacy and connectedness. Like the popular adage, “it takes a village,” healing is a community effort.

*Not her real name to protect family’s privacy