Holiday Gatherings — Warm, Wonderful, and. . . Challenging

Festive gatherings are a treasured part of the holidays. They can also be among the most stressful.

 

Most families and friendship groups have that *one* person who tends to express triggering opinions or curmudgeonly comments. If this is true for you, the following might help. Take time before an event to settle your mind, collect your thoughts, and relax.

 

Communication is about giving and receiving messages, and expression goes far beyond words. Eye contact, body language, tone of voice, and smiles or laughter are all powerful forms of communication. However we express ourselves, the goal is to connect.

 

Where you’re coming from

 

A good first step for smooth communication is knowing how you feel. When hoping to relate with others, being aware of any of your own feelings of sadness, anger, or fear can help.

 

One practice for self-awareness is posting a little sign where you’ll see it daily, asking: How Do You Feel? Don’t let familiarity allow it to go unnoticed. When you see it, pause and consider your answer. Practiced daily, this grounding exercise can help unearth long-buried feelings and bring positive change.

 

Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, judgment is often clouded by anger, confusion, or fear. Speaking at such times often brings regret. It’s okay to say, “I need a moment,” and take time to process the information, your feelings, and even triggers from long-ago hurts.

 

Where they’re at

 

Practice listening carefully without interrupting or passing judgment. Being sensitive to differences can help you carefully choose words that demonstrate your respect for the other person’s values and beliefs.

 

Relating to someone can be complex. Perhaps they’re dealing with a challenge that makes it hard to pay attention. Maybe they’re carrying “stuff” that doesn’t leave room for yours.

 

Empathy is vital. This can be sourced through a common experience or simply considering another person’s grief, fear, or pain. Imagining yourself in their shoes and offering sincere concern can help them feel at ease and less alone.

 

Our need for love and acceptance is lifelong. We may crave emotional support to keep going, especially after a crisis, loss of a loved one, or a significant life change. This holds true for everyone.

 

If a tricky conversation arises this season, mindfully choose your response. You can quietly excuse yourself for a moment — to work in the kitchen, take a bathroom break, or heck, water the plants! Sometimes redirection is possible — gently or with humor. A subject change or light comment can move things in a better direction.

 

While most of us have experienced times with family or friends that were awkward, challenging, or outright annoying, we have the tools to transform an “icky” moment to one of levity. . . or simple relief.

 

It’s worth practicing. While no family or group of friends is perfect,  they are “ours,” and we wouldn’t trade them 🙂

 

 

Johanna Skouras is a psychotherapist and author of the book Standing Up for Yourself/The Art of Self Assertion.