Navigating Goodbye: A Grief Survival Guide – Part 1 Help After Loss
Welby O’Brien
50plus Magazine
One of the hardest things we’ll ever go through is losing someone we love. Saying goodbye rips our hearts apart. The flood of tears and waves of grief are overwhelming.
I’ve lost my dad, my mom, and many other special people. Even with a master’s degree in counseling, I felt totally unprepared for each loss. And it seems like the goodbyes are gaining momentum! My two best friends recently lost their husbands, and another just said goodbye to their 16-year-old son.
How can we best navigate the deep waters of grief?
The good news is, there are helpful things we can do immediately after our loss, and during our healing process, and also to prepare for impending loss.
Most of what I share is from personal experience, along with input from others who have also survived these deep waters. I hope you’ll come away with some practical tips and a bit of ease in your load.
The following checklist is a great place to start in navigating the overwhelming number of things that need doing at the onset of grief. There are three compass guides to keep in mind along the way:
#1 Do only what is absolutely essential right now. Take care of yourself and do only what must be done.
#2 When in doubt, wait. If you’re not sure whether you’re ready to handle something or to give something away, wait.
#3 Take care of you.
Suggested Checklist for Immediate Tasks Following a Death:
The steps below are in order of priority/urgency for most people. But since everyone’s situation is unique, please feel free to regroup them and add things according to your own needs.
___Reach out for help (get people around you).
___Contact the funeral director.
___Release the body.
___Get organized: start a file.
___Locate the will or trust, and contact an attorney if needed.
___Gather vital statistics: Full legal name, date/state of birth, date of death, race, parents’ names and states of birth, social security number, most recent address, length of time in that county, education, occupation/industry, military (branch, rank, experience and discharge information), place of death, final resting place.
___ Notify the bank of your loved one’s death, and check their safety deposit box for important documents.
___ List names of people to contact.
___ List things you need help with.
___ Jot down funeral/service ideas.
___ Tend to high priority financial and legal matters (bills to pay, attorney, life insurance, bank, etc.).
___ List miscellaneous things to do and questions to be answered.
___ List people to thank later.
___ If possible, handle mail, necessary emails, messages, and/or other personal items of the deceased.
___ Consider turning on “Out of Office” Reply settings on your email, or let people know you’ll be off social media for a while.
___ List people/places you still need to notify.
___Plan the service.
___Take care of any remaining financial matters (bank accounts, credit cards, bills, Social Security, insurance, taxes, etc.)
___See that people and pets left behind are cared for.
___Disperse belongings (remember Guide #2).
___Respond to invitations and kind acts when you feel ready. It’s okay to respond to invitations — for coffee, visits, or meals out — with, “Thank you, I’m not ready yet.” And thank you notes can wait.
Finally, remember to be good to yourself.
Part Two in the next issue covers self-care in depth. For now, nurture your faith and surround yourself with people who are good for you. And rest assured that although your life is different now, the waters will be smooth again.
~Excerpted from Goodbye for Now: Practical Help and Personal Hope for Those Who Grieve by Welby O’Brien. On Amazon and www.welbyo.com