Navigating Goodbye: A Grief Survival Guide – Part 3 Growing through Grief
Welby O’Brien
Losing a loved one is the hardest thing we’ll ever go through. And just talking or reading about grief can stir up painful feelings. Is there a right way or best way to navigate the deep waters of loss? And is it possible to do more than just survive, and at some point actually begin to thrive?
In Part One and Part Two we listed things we can do immediately following a loss, and also how to maximize our own self-care during the healing journey.
But when it comes to the stages of grief and our own personal growth, there are no rules and no best way. Everyone is different and so is their grieving process.
Naming the stages of grief is a way to let you know that what you’re experiencing is normal, and necessary for healing. It’s helpful to remember that when we feel discouraged. It’s been said that the only way out is through.
There are many variations, but very simply speaking the stages
of grief are:
- Shock and denial (numbness, can’t be true)
- Emotional reactions (wide range of intense feelings)
- Depression (hitting bottom, emotional and physical exhaustion)
- Acceptance and recovery (learning to live with it as you go on
with your life)
These phases are also not necessarily linear. . . you don’t just go neatly through them one step at a time, and then you’re done. When those sneaker waves crash in, and we permit ourselves to feel the painful feelings and process them in a healthy way, we are making progress. Some outlets might be crying, journaling, gardening, walking, playing a musical instrument, etc. It’s good to pause and take note of even the tiniest step in the right direction.
There is also something called anticipatory grief, which can occur with loved ones in care facilities, or undergoing cancer treatment, or with dementia, or on hospice. You begin grieving while your loved one is still alive. It comes in waves, and can be just as painful as grief following their passing. And actually almost harder because there’s no finality or moving on, and you find yourself processing your feelings privately so they can’t see. It’s also a challenge because you have to stay alive and open, yet guarded at some level because you know death is imminent.
There is no schedule for healing, and no perfect way to go through it. Give yourself permission to process your own grief, in your own way, and in your own time. One day you will see a small sprout of new life, and a ray of hope you never thought possible.
Another key part of navigating goodbye is looking ahead, and preparing as much as we can in advance. Because death can come at any time, it’s truly beneficial for everyone if we can get our earthly affairs in order.
The following is a checklist to consider, which will help your loved ones navigate goodbye when the time comes.
- Collect and organize all pertinent info and let others know where to find it.
- Be sure your will or trust is legal and current.
- Pay your debts.
- Consider being a donor, either organ and tissue or whole body.
- Complete an Advance Directive.
- Examine the options for prepaid funeral home services.
- Write out what you want in your funeral or celebration of life.
- Clear out clutter.
- Attend to any rifts with family or friends.
- Be at peace spiritually.
Finally, I’d like to leave you with some words of hope from a grieving mother: “The goal of grief recovery isn’t moving on—or even ‘getting over it.’ The goal is the rebuilding of my world and embracing the memories of both his life and death. I will never cease to grieve the loss of my son, but that doesn’t mean that I’m less capable of engaging in a full and joyous life. I do not have to merely survive—I can thrive.”
Keep on taking those tiny steps toward healing and thriving. And give yourself a big hug. You are worth it.
~Excerpted from Goodbye for Now: Practical Help and Personal Hope for Those Who Grieve by Welby O’Brien. On Amazon and www.welbyo.com